I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and 'rogue' sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, 'Regular time' And they'd say, 'Yeah.' And I'd say, 'Sorry, all I have is rogue time.' It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle 'hair restorer.' He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, 'Well, technically that's illegal.' It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, 'Hey, let's put him in the movie.'
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then 'skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!