One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute to the plane itself! Is anyone listening to me?

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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