Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, 'What am I doing'

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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