I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I think my favorite monster movie is 'Gone With the Wind', because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!