Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve something that stings you, then laughs at you.

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Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing a better house

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, 'Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.'

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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